Losing a Pet During a Deployment

Hampton Roads is home to one of the largest concentrations of military families in the country. Around Virginia Beach, a household with one partner at sea or overseas is a normal part of life. And in many of those homes, a dog or cat is part of how everyone gets through it: company on the long nights, a routine for the kids, a familiar face waiting when the ship comes home.

When a pet dies during a deployment, the family at home and the service member abroad face the same loss from very different places. Here are some thoughts for both.

Making decisions without them

Often the hardest part is having to make end-of-life decisions alone. If your pet is declining and your partner is unreachable, or only reachable briefly, it can feel impossible to choose without them.

• If you can, talk about it before deployment. Families with older or ill pets find it helps to agree ahead of time what they would want, and to give the partner at home permission to decide.
• Ask your veterinarian to put things in writing. A short summary of your pet's condition and options can be shared with your partner so they understand the decision.
• You are allowed to decide. If your pet is suffering and you cannot reach your partner in time, making a compassionate choice is not a betrayal. It is what they would want you to do.

Telling a deployed service member

There is no perfect way to deliver this news across distance. Some suggestions from families who have been through it:

• If communication is limited, avoid sending the news in a short message they may read at a bad moment. Wait for a call or video chat if you can.
• Be honest and simple about what happened, and that your pet was comfortable and loved at the end.
• Understand that their grief may come out later, or differently. Operational demands leave little room to process a loss.

Waiting for them to come home

Many families choose private cremation during a deployment so that the service member can take part in a farewell when they return. Ashes can be kept safely at home until then. A small ceremony after homecoming, whether scattering at a favorite spot, planting something in the yard or simply sitting together with the urn, can give them the goodbye they missed.

If you are planning to scatter ashes at the beach, on the water or in a park, check with the City of Virginia Beach or the relevant authority first about what is permitted.

Kids at home

Children may be dealing with a parent's absence and their pet's death at the same time. Keep routines steady, answer questions simply, and help them make something to share with the deployed parent: a drawing, a letter, a video of a favorite memory. It connects the family, and it gives the child something to do with their grief.

If you are the one far away

For the service member, grief at sea or overseas can feel strange and out of place. You may have to keep working as if nothing happened, surrounded by people who never met your pet. Find one person on board or on base you can talk to, and ask for a chaplain if you need one. Some people keep a photo in their rack or write a letter to their pet to read at homecoming. Your family at home is carrying the practical side; your part may simply be to let yourself miss them.

Support nearby

You do not have to carry this by yourself. Your unit's family readiness group, base chaplains and Military OneSource can all offer support. Other military spouses in your neighborhood very often have been through the same thing and understand it instantly.

And for the service member far away: your pet knew they were loved by you. That did not stop when you left, and it did not stop at the end.

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